Monday, February 2, 2009

Changes

I am so sad to look at my followers and see that the number has fallen from eight to four since the last time I posted.

I loved...love this blog. It was so much a part of me and my life and I feel like a neglectful parent to have let it fall into sorrowful disrepair and desuetude.

I fell into the trap of knowing that certain persons were reading my blog and that things I said were occasionally hurtful to them. If I'm too negative, I feel like I'm not being thankful enough for all I've been given. If I'm too happy, I felt I wasn't being sensitive enough to their feelings. I couldn't fucking win. I want to be able just to be me. Happy. Sad. Mad. Whatever. Just Dawn without having to make excuses for how I feel or what I say.

I have to decide if I can rebuild this blog and make it meaningful and relevant again. Even if it's just meaningful and relevant to myself.

I miss blogging. I miss the friends I made through blogging.

It only just occurs to me that I've been trying to hide out, not reveal too much. Maybe I just need to get back to the basics of why I started this blog. I wanted to become a resource for other moms who were experiencing the challenges of motherhood. I especially wanted to connect with moms who may not have had the best mothering role models, but were finding ways to be good mothers and also to find mothers who were good mothers and who had good mothers and were willing to share their maternal wisdom with the rest of us.

The last few years have changed me. I do not like who I have become...someone cut off, cold, who wants to avoid emotions at every cost. I've heard myself say more than once that I wish I were a robot. And I do wish life weren't so hard for me at times. But then, I know it's no harder for me than it is for anyone else. I just never learned the right ways of coping. I let things bother me that I should dismiss. I lack patience and the ability to look positively into the future.

I want to change.

So...why can't I?

14 comments:

Kel said...

but you can...change only comes when YOU want it. You can change anything you want and I'm here, reading, cheering you on...no matter what choice you make.

Go be happy, be mad, jump for joy or whatever - its your life, it should be what you want it to be!
~K

Dogwood Girl said...

I am reading. . . be yourself. Your honesty will be good for you.

Suz said...

When I'm writing, I often have to block out who-all knows about my blog and may read it. It's very difficult, though, to avoid censoring yourself because of the thought of all of those eyes.

It's your blog, you can cry if you want to! Or laugh if you want to! Or not blog if you want to!

Sarah B said...

Write as though no one but you is reading it. Also, don't bother with Google Analytics to know how many people are reading your blog or what they're looking at. Once, I wasn't signed in but had my blog page up. It was open for hours and G.A. only logged it as 5 seconds. And recently, it said I had 70 something readers zero days ago, or however it puts it, but the next day the "official" count was 6. (I think, I'm too tired to remember correctly, I may have posted about it on neoterictraditional but I don't remember that either!)
Write what's in your heart and when you can - that's all that's important.

Sarah B said...

P.S. I've been hiding too

Jeremy said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. If you want to talk (or e-mail or IM or send smoke signals), I'm here.

Sometimes, when life hands you lemons...you just have to kick life in the ding-ding.

Anyway, I am available, and I am concerned, and–if it helps at all– you are always in my prayers.

Shari Schmidt said...

I'm not a DR, but it does sound like you are depressed. The question is do you need medical help or a change of scenery? I know when I'm feeling overwhelmed and tired, it helps for me to do something completely different -- even if that's just a visit to a new museum or walking in the woods. Only you can figure out the next steps, but it will help to feel like you have a plan for the future.

A. said...

sometimes anonymous blogging can solve that problem of knowing IRL the folks who read your blog. It's hard to feel like you have no freedom to express who you are.

A. said...

ps -- check your email. :)

Sarah+ said...

hey chicka.
i've just found your blog and i'm not a mom and i love it. and i appreciate your honesty.

figuring out emotions and how to cope with them--what a process. i feel like i'm in the same boat.

i'm glad you're here...
love,
s

Melanie said...

Hi Dawn! You commented on my blog a couple of months back, and because I've been neglecting it for ages I'm just getting around to a return visit now! How interesting to come and read this post.

Where we are is where we are, and that's always ok. Reach for some relief, and be true to you!

Sending you much love and light.

Catherine Morgan said...

Hi Dawn.

Sorry this comment isn't related to the topic of your post, but I didn't see any other way to get in touch with you.

My name is Catherine and I'm a contributing editor for BlogHer Health and Wellness. I'm doing a post on - "Are Parent's To Blame For Childhood Obesity" and I'm going to be linking to your August post "fat-bottomed girls". I was wondering if you have written a post on whether parents are to blame for the eating habits of children? If so, I would like to include that in my post as well. Anyway, if you have any additional links or quote/comment on this topic you can send it to me at catherinesblog@yahoo.com and I will include it in my post. If not, you can still feel free to come over and comment on the post...I should have it up later tonight or early tomorrow morning.

Best,
Catherine

ViolinMama said...

I found you, and am reading....I'm up too late reading actually ;)

Sorry tonight didn't work out...but I'm enjoying my quiet time now though.

Much love!

Naturi Beauty said...

Love this post! And I love how honest you are. There are a lot of blogs out there where people put on their virtual personalities and present a fictitious aspect of themselves or a part of themselves that they are afraid/too shy/not sure to be in everyday life. People value honesty and integrity and I love the fact that you tell it like it is even when it feels vulnerable. Change what you need but make sure that when you change, YOU are the one constant. That's where your beauty and truth lie, right inside of YOU.