Monday, July 28, 2008

I'm So Tired

I hate feeling dumb. But boy do I feel dumb today.

For a couple of weeks now I have been totally on edge. Snapping at people. My poor kids and husband included. I've felt edgy, achy, totally discombobulated.

This week, it kind of came to a head. I was feeling anxious about Scott's show. I had to make a decision about a job offer I'd received for a pretty cool job that would pay a fantastic amount of money but require me to go into an office one day a week and force us to hire a nanny and/or housekeeper because I'd need someone to help with Beckett. I walked around in tears or on the verge of tears for a week.

There were a couple of moments where I wondered if I might be having a nervous breakdown.

I was wondering what was up? Why would stuff that I could typically deal with without batting an eyelash push me so close to the edge?

Then, Saturday, it dawned on me.

I haven't had a break since May. Scott and I have gone out alone a couple of times, but most of the times we've had a sitter, it's been because he's playing. Or we've gone out with other people. I've been with the kids constantly except for the two or three times I've hired a sitter to go to a work meeting.

No down time for me since May. Even when Beckett has napped, I still have Brendan.

I love my kids. I love my life. But sometimes... I need some time. A bubble bath. A quiet hour with a book. To go to the bathroom without someone knocking on the door and asking me to come do something that could wait.

So, this morning, I planned to get up at 6:30 and work out. I actually woke up a bit earlier raring to go. I got up, did some Pilates, and only just now has Beckett awoken. Brendan is still asleep.

And I feel great!

Refresed, revived, and ready to go.


Kel said...

Me time is important and all too often mommy time takes precidence. Try to enjoy some!

Anonymous said...

Dawn - I'm so sorry I missed you on Saturday. The Dancer ended up having birthday plans with her BFF and the day got away from me before I could get back in touch with you.

I hope the show went well. Does Scott have a website where I can see his schedule?

And finally, yes!!!! You definitely need breaks from time to time. Being a mom doesn't have a built-in pressure valve. You have to make them.

Glad you're feeling better.

FearandParentinginLasVegas said...

It sounds like we've both been going through similar feelings this month. Lots of hard decisions, never feeling like any of them is the right choice.

Take the time you need for you -- without guilt. Think of it as your trip to the gas station.

Best of luck with your decision on the job. It's a tough call. My work issues has be wondering whether I should go back to freelance and give up my desk job to have more flexibility with my kids. But then, I see a job listing that I could really be passionate about.

In the end, your kids deserve the best mom you can be. If that means working one day away from home and getting some extra help, so be it. If that means staying where you're at, that's fine.

My philosophy is that I can tell my kids they can make their dreams come true, or I can show them how its done.

Whatever you decide to do, have faith that it's the best thing for you and your family at this moment.

merlotmom said...

it's amazing what a bit of me time can do...keep it up.

Just Me said...

I am glad that you took a little me time. Being with the kids all the time is hard. A little alone time does the trick.

rennratt said...

Time away by yourself - in ANY WAY possible - is a great refresher!

I often grocery shop by myself, just to get some time alone.

Keep it up!

Wendy said...

This is why I love daycare. I adore my child, but I need time to myself, and I think I'm a better mother for having it. I used to be really lonely working from home by myself all day, but now I cherish the quiet and the ability to focus on my own stuff for a few hours a day.