Thursday, November 15, 2007

म्र्स। दल्लोवय

I have received some kind and helpful comments on my rant, like yours Renn. And a thoughtful and funny one. Thank you, Chris.

And I also got one, which I decided not to post, commenting on my anger issues. Dude, why do you think I blog?

Sarcasm aside, I blog for lots and lots of reasons. But, one of my primary reasons is to process the broad range of emotions – including anger – that being a parent and living this incredible life of mine stirs up in me.

I've made no secret of the fact that I have held onto issues from my childhood and that occasionally through my own act of mothering these things spring up.

Writing allows me to release those feelings in a healthy way. When I write a post like yesterday's, it's as if I'm huffing and puffing really hard to blow up a balloon and once I'm done, I pop the balloon and it goes flying around the room releasing all that anger and energy. And it's gone and I feel incredibly better and saner and can move on with my life. It's much like therapy, except that it's free. And I'm telling hundreds of complete strangers instead of just the one, highly-trained professional.

I realize every moment of every day, even in the midst of two sick kids, no sleep, and piles of laundry, how incredibly blessed I am. And I appreciate every moment of it, even if there are moments (like the whining) that try my patience. In fact, I constantly remind myself how fortunate I am to be here. In this time, this place, with the people in my life that God has chosen to lead me to or lead to me.

I have a loving and supportive husband who works incredibly hard to take care of us and allow me to be at home with our sons. I have two beautiful and generally healthy little boys.

I constantly remind myself that there are plenty of women in this world who have it a lot harder than I do. There are women who have given up serious careers to be at home with their kids. Women who want to be at home who can't. Women raising their children alone. Women who want children, but can't have them. Women who struggle for years to conceive, who have multiple miscarriages, who go through incredibly difficult pregnancies and risk their own lives to be able to hold a precious little baby in their arms. Women who wonder how they're going to feed their children the next meal. Women who are trying to protect their sons and daughters from war, torture, and the cruelties of the time and place where they live. Women who sit beside hospital beds tending their sick children who may never come home. Women who find themselves in the unimaginable situation of burying their children. I think about these things almost every day and feel guilty for every complaint or frustration that leaves my lips or crosses my mind.

I think about my friends who long to have warm, loving arms to hold them, a good and kind partner to share with and celebrate with and I know how blessed I am to be in love and be loved and to share my life with an amazing man.

But, I'd be lying and a fraud if I didn't admit that parenting is a challenge some times. And if I didn't have a forum for expressing the good and the bad in a healthy and civilized manner, it would come out somewhere, somehow.

I am thankful I have a means of expressing myself and the self-awareness to realize that I need to do so rather than pushing it all down beneath a veil of vodka tonics and valium or leading a life of silent misery like so many of our foremothers did.


rennratt said...

I, too, am glad that you are so blessed.

I hate that the ignorance and assumptions of others force us to 'defend' ourselves so often. We write as a release, an escape from the norm.

I love you just the way you are.

Happy Thursday.

Christopher said...

I don't think you need to apologize at all or feel guilty if you happen at times to want to do something other than be at home with your kids all day. Because it's not really a question of whether it's a blessing or not, or whether others would be overjoyed to have what you have, because everything's a blessing. It's just a question of what does your own spirit want to do at this moment, and in this life? I don't think it makes you any less of a great mother to feel overwhelmed or even trapped at times. i think that's natural. and as you become more clear about what you really want to do, maybe it will be easier (but maybe not easy!) to balance your time and fit in what you need to fit in to feel more in balance. but i would guess child raising simply calls for heroic action and sacrifice at times. or you could do like the posh english and pawn them off on others to raise, and turn them into Philip Larkins :)