Friday, February 9, 2007

The Shape I'm In

If I ever doubted the connection between the body and the mind (which I didn't), I would now be completely convinced that the two are inextricably linked. Of course, I have long understood how the two are intertwined, but because I generally use my powers for good and not evil, it hasn't really been an issue for me.

Unfortunately, caught in the snare of postpartum depression, my addled brain has been stuck in a negative cycle, fixating on one negative issue after another: I'm old. I'm fat. My life has no meaning. I thought I'd be fulfilled as a mother, but I'm not and therefore I'm a terrible person. My life is slipping away from me while my husband is embracing his life and making amazing things happen. .

My thoughts swirl in a massive tangle of fear and anger. And then, with no warning, I'm knocked totally off my feet by the worst illness I've had in over ten years. As someone who rarely gets sick, it was quite a shock. I kept thinking I'd be better in a day or two. A week later, Scott and I were discussing who we could get to come help take care of me and the boys because I was so sick. At the doctor, I was diagnosed with the flu, a sinus infection, an eye infection, and naturally, an outbreak of fever blisters just to put the icing on the cake.

I wanted to die. Already depressed, being sick felt like the nail in my coffin. It's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you can barely lift your head. And for someone like me who can fight through anything... It's really unnerving to feel so weak and desperate.

I'm mostly well now. I've been on antibiotics for 10 days now. My doctor also prescribed something for anxiety. He thinks that having a newborn and not getting enough sleep, not eating well, and having so much on my mind did my immune system in.

I can't really tell a difference yet. Maybe a little. Things don't seem quite as dark and dire. I am still having trouble getting everything done. We still don't have a schedule or routine established. I still feel exhausted. And like a failure as a wife and mother. And I do feel like I'm having a midlife crisis.... Who am I? What is my purpose in life? Have I screwed everything up?

But, I am trying to break free of my negative thinking, to focus on positive goals, to love my adorable new baby and be present for him and his brother and my husband. I keep waiting for the moment when I'm going to snap free and feel genuinely happy again, when life is fun again.

It's coming. And boy, am I ready.

No comments: