Wednesday, March 8, 2006

Manifest Destiny

After a week or so of feeling great, I've had the wind knocked out of my sails. Just when Scott and I have agreed to stop trying not to get pregnant and feel like we're ready for another baby, we learn that the company he works for on a contract basis is being bought by another company.

Scott remains optimistic, thinking that his work speaks for itself and that if they re-evaluate contractors, he'll do okay. He's also much more optimistic about the idea of the possibilities that can arise if he is laid off.

I waver between optimism and abject fear. On the one hand, sometimes it takes getting laid off or some great change in life in order to propel us forward. Something really incredible could come out of this. But on the other hand, there's that fiery lump of fear in the pit of my stomach that burns through my core, constantly making me ask "What if...".

How I wish I could let go of all fear and fully embrace faith! I wish my "what ifs" were of the positive and hopeful variety: What if Scott gets laid off and then takes the time to finish his album and it becomes an overnight success and sells thousands of copies? What if he launches his own consulting firm and has more time to spend at home with Brendan and me? What if I'm propelled forward to take my freelance business to the next level? What if we move to a new city that we just adore and make tons of new friends there?

Rather, I find myself stifled by fear, though I try to put on a positive face and only say positive things aloud. Inside my mind boils and bubbles with bleak possibilities.

I think it's time to revisit my old pal Wayne Dyer. I practiced some of his techniques for powerful positive thinking and manifesting my desires in the past, but I really have a hard time maintaining focus. And, with a child, I have trouble finding the time I need to meditate, pray, and focus. I'm sure some folks manage just fine. But, right now, it's all I can manage just to keep my household afloat. Of course, maybe if I visualized things a little differently, all the things I want would just come to pass.

Any thoughts?

2 comments:

Courtney said...

I have to say that I take issue with the notion that anyone with a diagnosis from the DSM is "crazy." Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is in there. Is a person traumatized by her experiences with Hurricane Katrina "crazy"? What about someone with any sort of phobia? ADHD? A learning disability? Bereavement? They're all in there. Are all of those people crazy? Hell, I've been diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder. Am I crazy, too?

Maybe you're taking poetic license or are just being too hard on yourself and/or your physician. I hope that's it and not that you think that just because a group of symptoms occurs frequently enough to merit a label, it's gotta mean a person with it is crazy.

dawn said...

Okay...I'm not saying that I think someone is crazy simply because they have been diagnosed with an illness that's in the DSM. However, I do think that our society (in general) would be quick to apply that label.

It's the handbook of the psychiatric community and we, as a society, label people being treated for psychiatric conditions from depression on up as crazy or at the very least, we use some colloquial term like not right if they have something like a life-altering phobia or ADHD or a learning disability.

Bereavement? I'm sure you've seen or heard of or maybe even experienced someone telling you or another to just get over some loss or another. Or acting as if there's something wrong with you for not bouncing back quickly after a loss.

My argument is that women in our culture have their concerns dismissed or overlooked as it is. I don't think it's helpful to label a physical condition as a mental illness or condition when its roots are physical and when it can be treated by something as simple as taking a birth control pill. Many men and women are quickl to judge women (more readily than they judge other men) and I just think it's a shame to inflict the stigma of a mental illness on a woman when she's just getting her period and has a few too many hormones raging through her body.

But that's just my two cents.