(You Took My) Joy (I Want It Back)

I wish I could go to Slidell and look for my joy. West Memphis, even.

If only it were that easy. My joy ain't in Slidell. And sure as Hell ain't in West Memphis.

I don't know where that shit is. But I think, after weeks of feeling miserable and acting like a bitch on wheels, I know when it started seeping out of my life. Joy, that is.

September 10, 2001. Ten years ago today.

That was the day the tiny cracks started to form in the foundation of my dream life. The day when I realized that I was neither charmed nor lucky or that if I ever had been my luck, very suddenly, had run out.

Oh, it's not that I had such a blessed an easy life up until that point. I was raised by a single mother at a time when that little feat earned you the moniker of Bastard in a shitty little house in what my husband has referred to as a slum. I was mocked for being poor. My mother worked two jobs and I never saw her and nothing I ever did was ever good enough. Oh yes...And she thought I was fat.

Somehow, though, things worked out for the best most of the time. Mostly because I was smart and worked hard. I got through school, got a scholarship, and got the Hell out of Dodge.

Anyway, things worked out okay. Not exactly the life I'd envisioned, but I ended up with a career I loved, married to a pretty cool guy, I converted to Catholicism, we bought our first house, and we were starting what I imagined would be a pretty cool life filled with friends, a family of our making, faith, and more good things than I had ever imagined. I was happy. All the time. Joyful. Optimistic. Loved. Loving.

Right after we moved into our house, I learned that I was pregnant with our first child. We had been married for a year and though it was a bit sooner than we planned, I was excited. And scared. But mostly just excited and trusting that it must be God's will.

Fast forward several weeks and there I was spending a weekend spotting and knowing that I was losing my baby – listening to a doctor tell me over the phone "If you're having a miscarriage – and you probably are – there is nothing we can do about it anyway. You just have to let nature take its course. You're not that far along. It happens."

It happens. Oh. Yes. Death. It happens. All the fucking time.

So, I spent Monday, September 10, 2001 at the hospital having another much more compassionate doctor confirm that I had lost the baby, having over 20 vials of blood drawn, making the logistical arrangements for a D & C scheduled for the next morning, and feeling so hollow from the experience that I simply didn't actually feel anything.

And then, the next day, I started feeling again. Pain. Heartache. A gut-wrenching sorrow that has never gone away. I only bury it until some other horrible thing splits my heart in two again and it all comes spilling out.

Best friends moving far away. Death. War. The death of a friend's child. Worrying constantly about a child and feeling helpless. PPD. Losing new friends and not knowing why. Feeling like I've wasted my life, somehow missed a calling but not having a clue what it was. Always wanting something that seems just out of reach but not knowing what it is. Constantly wishing I could turn back the hands of time and do things differently. Feeling like a failure...as a wife, as a mother, as anything that matters.

It seems that ever since September 10, 2001, there have been innumerable little setbacks, disappointments that by themselves would not matter. Yet, stacked one upon the other they have mounted into a stack of trouble I can no longer carry.

I know that hidden in there are beautiful gems of joy. My beautiful husband. My two perfect little boys. Friends. Music. Books and stories. Nature. My faith in God.

But for some reason, right now I'm realizing that the pain weighs more than the joy. And I'm so tired. I want to put it down. I want to start off again. Fresh and rested and light.

I just don't know how. And I find myself so angry all the time. Angry at all the people who have never had to see or feel or carry the pain in this world. The ones who have it easy. Of course, I know that's not helping my case, but, as my sons would say, stamping their feet, "It's not fair!"

Why does God burden some of us more than others? And what do I do with desire to smack the smug smiles off the faces of those who do have it so easy? I don't want to feel this way. It's not who I am. It's not who I used to be.

I want my Joy back.

I pray that tomorrow comes with the blessings I need to right my ship and find my way, quickly, back to my joy. Father, open my heart and mind to your gifts and protect me from the sorrow and grief, the anger and fear that threaten to consume me. Thank you for the time I sent with my boys tonight, for the beautiful full moon, and the gift of words. And wherever she is, bless my baby girl. Amen.

With a Little Help from My Friends: Music (& Money) Monday

Today, I'm combining a couple of things. Music – my first true love – and friendship.

My friend Daryl whom I've known since we were 12 has been battling non-Hodgkins Lymphoma for a couple of  years. In May, he had a bone marrow transplant. Because he works for a non-profit, Daryl is uninsured. Also, because having a bone marrow transplant essentially takes out your whole immune system for a while, Daryl cannot go back to work. He and his partner, Danny, are doing their best to survive financially and emotionally during this trying time. To help pay Daryl's medical bills and make ends meet, they are raising money through an organization called ChipIn that allows individuals and groups to easily raise money online. If you can help, please click the link below to make a donation.



And, in the meantime, enjoy one of my favorite songs about the power of friendship.

Back in the Saddle Again: The Summer Hiatus is Over

Well, I'll be gosh-darned if it hasn't been a while!

Yes, I am back from my late-spring, early summer hiatus. It happens most every year. The kids are out of school and I'm trying to balance my freelance work and responsibilities as a mom and something has to give. Unfortunately, it's usually blogging. I still, after all these years have not found the perfect balance. Yet, I continue to seek it.

To make matters all the more challenging, I've thrown a part-time job working as an office manager at a local company into the mix. Just for the comfort of a regular, albeit small, paycheck. After all, Fernbank memberships and Chick-fil-A kids' meals don't pay for themselves and I figure my hard-working husband deserves a  hand paying for some of these things.

Starting this week, however, I'm going to work on balancing the things I love (playing with my kids, writing for fun) with the things I do because I love my family (cleaning house, working for a paycheck).

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to work hard to adhere to the editorial calendar and guidelines I set for myself a while ago and try to start posting daily again. We'll see how it goes.

BBQ is Not a Verb, Y'all! A Review of Moe's Original BBQ in Atlanta

As any good Catholic girl or boy might do when preparing for Lent, the 40 days leading up to Easter, I thought long and hard about the Lenten sacrifice I would make. The last few years I've tried to adopt good habits like daily mass, daily prayer, or daily acts of kindness and compassion, but this year, I decided I would actually make a true sacrifice by giving up meat for 40 days.

I knew that at every meal as I had to think about how to prepare or buy a meatless meal, I would actually think about the reason I had sacrificed something. I did great, eating no meat except fish, until I was invited to review a new BBQ restaurant here in Atlanta. And sadly, that's just an unfair temptation to a Southern girl's heart. With all apologies to Jesus, I went to the media tasting at Moe's Original BBQ at 349 14th Street in Midtown just three days before my fast would be over. I sincerely felt bad about it, but boy, was it good!

Now, let me get this out of the way. I've mentioned it before...I don't really like chain restaurants and rarely eat at them with the exception of taking the kids out for lunch. That said, the fact that Moe's Original BBQ is a chain did not faze me all that much once I stepped into the joint which is housed in the renovated Kool Korners Grocery location near Georgia Tech and smelled the 'cue cookin' in all its smoky glory.

The location itself isn't "lived in" enough yet, but I've seen plenty of places near Tech get that shabby-chic, lived-in and well-loved look quickly enough. And with a Wednesday Ladies' Night and Thursday night Team Trivia along with the occasional music on Friday and Saturday nights, it won't take long.

Of course, the food itself will be the biggest draw. I had a very hard time deciding what to order, but ultimately went with a basic pulled pork platter. I also tried the smoked Buffalo wings and my new vegetarian fave, the BBQ Tofu sandwich. In a word....Amazing!

Of course, the menu is ample with selections ranging from the basic pulled pork and ribs, to the more adventurous  Shrimp Moeboy sandwich, Mahi Mahi and catfish.

The pulled pork had a great smoky flavor, but most importantly, it was super moist, even before I put any sauce on it. All of their meats (and the tofu!) are smoked on site. I was curious since the company bills itself as serving "Bama-style" BBQ, a style of 'cue with which I was previously unaware. Having lived my whole life in the South, I am well familiar with the various styles of 'cue and sauce. Hell, my home state of Tennessee is known for favoring two very different styles, but even my husband and my dear friend Lucy who are both from Alabama weren't sure what style of BBQ their home state would be noted for, both pointing to Dreamland BBQ as a reference.

After talking with Brett, one of the owners of the Atlanta Moe's BBQ, I learned that part of the reason they call theirs "Bama" style is the fact that the restaurant originated in Tuscaloosa and the other being that Alabama, like Georgia, is something of a melting pot of BBQ styles. I must say, I liked what I had. A lot. And yes, they do offer a white sauce on request, though it does come with the uniquely delicious chicken wings, as a delightful alternative to bleu cheese. It also came on the BBQ Tofu sandwich along with their red sauce, which was the perfect blend of sweet and spicy. I always have to mix sauces at most places to find the taste I'm looking for, but this sauce was, in the words of my foodie twin Goldilocks, just right.

As far as sides go, I only tried the mac-and-cheese which was pretty good, and the marinated slaw which was out of this world. I like a little more brightness to my mac-and-cheese, but it was nice and moist and cheesy, not bland or starchy in the ways it so often can be when ill prepared. The slaw was truly fantastic with bits of jalapeño mixed into a blend of red and green cabbage and the standard slaw mix which is all then marinated overnight in their vinegar-based dressing. Good stuff. I look forward to going back and trying their banana pudding, the only dessert I saw offered. Oh! And I almost forgot. Cornbread. They serve cornbread with their platters which is a little different from what I'm accustomed to around here. It was good, though I prefer a slightly less sweet cornbread. The sweetness was cut by bits of jalapeño throughout and it was moist. I can forgive overly sweet cornbread, but will not abide that which is too dry.

Finally, as a parent, I also have to give a shout out to the kid-friendliness of this place. Due to its proximity to GA Tech, I'd be inclined to get in and out of there before 8 p.m. since Moe's does offer a full bar and lots of drink specials, but it's just the right kind of open, loud (in the best possible way), bright, fun space that welcomes kids and families as well as the Midtown lunchtime crowd and happy, good-time seeking college students. There's also a deck, which although it wasn't open when I was there because they didn't have their custom-made deck furnishings yet, should also be a great place to hang this summer, with or without the wee ones in tow.

I'll definitely be heading back and despite my misgivings about chains hope they'll open a second Atlanta store in my neck of the woods.

He Gets That from Me: Pictures of This Year's Star Wars Cake

It must be Star Wars week here at Belle of the Blog, because today I'm going to share with y'all some more tips for a Star Wars birthday party so you can create the party of his dreams for that special six to 10-year old boy in your life. For the record, this was my third Star Wars birthday party, so it's getting to be old hat for me. In fact, this year, I was feeling so confident about it, that we decided to wing it as far as games and activities are concerned. At seven and eight, I kind of felt like the kids are old enough just to entertain themselves without the need for a lot of games or activities. So, until the pizza arrived, the boys and one girl, entertained themselves playing with Brendan's extensive collection of Star Wars action figures and Legos.

The star of this year's party, other than my adorable birthday boy of course, was definitely the cake. Brendan has decided that he likes my cakes better than any bakery's (yay!), but this year that meant tackling a challenging theme: Hoth. For those of you who don't remember (or whose children aren't obsessed with the great sci-fi trilogy), Hoth is the ice planet in The Empire Strikes Back. When Brendan first told me he wanted a Hoth cake, I was hopeful that it would be easy. It's a planet covered in snow! I could ice it with white frosting and stick a Lego set  that we already had on top. I'm no professional decorator. I dabble. I play at cake decorating. I have fun with it. But I don't know what the heck I'm doing.

Nope. Brendan didn't want me to use his Lego set. He wanted something else. But he didn't know what exactly. So, after much careful consideration and thought about what I was capable of, I decided to recreate the scene where Han Solo's Tauntaun dies and he... uses it... to save Luke Skywalker. I actually combined it with this backdrop:

I know. I know. Star Wars purists will be offended, but I wanted it to be obvious we were on Hoth and it was getting complicated.

So, how did the cake turn out? Well, what do you think? I know it's not totally perfect, but for my first time working with gum paste, well, let's just say, it could have turned out much worse.

In case, you can't tell, Han is actually an action figure, not gum paste. The towers and the tauntaun are gum paste that I dyed (in the case of the large beast) using gel based food coloring. For the record, gum paste, at least the kind I used, tastes like sweetened sweat socks.

But, it's great for making 3-D figures on a cake. I guess fondant might work, but I've never tried to work with it and this was pretty easy.

The kids loved it but the Yoda Soda was a bit less of a hit than it was in first grade. Different kids, different tastes.

I'm hoping next year I get to branch out and try something else. Although, I do have this crazy aspiration to make a Death Star cake.

Music Monday: Tatooine

No, I didn't fall off the face of the Earth. I've just been busy with Life... looking for a steady job, taking care of sick kids, some volunteer work, starting pee-wee flag football with my youngest, and various and sundry other projects.

Sadly, I did fall off the 31DBBB wagon somewhere around Day 19. So close! Maybe I can pick it up again.

Anyway, I just very quickly in the last hours of the day wanted to squeeze in this amazing video. I love this song by Jeremy Messersmith so much and the video by artist Eric Power really, truly brings joy to my heart each time I see it!

Enjoy!

Fabulous Friday: You Light Up My Life

My husband picks on me sometimes because I so often look outside myself for inspiration and guidance. You'd think that as an only child, I'd be more independent and less reliant on others. But I'm not. Sue me. I take my inspiration wherever I can find it. Sunny day. Wise words from a close friend. Self-help books. And blogs.

The last 3 weeks or so, I've found some great inspiration in the SITSGirls community for bloggers. One blogger in particular has inspired me with her enthusiasm, tirelessness and work ethic, the long list of all she does – including caring for a daughter with special needs – and the leadership she has shown as moderator for the SITSGirls 31 Days to Build a Better Blog challenge. Shelley, from I'm Still Standing, is an awe-inspiring person who just does what needs doing. She makes me feel like I can do anything, too.

Every day I think, I don't know if I can finish this, but then I see all that Shelley does and I read her daily posts that are written with such joy and light and I think, "Well, I have to do this. If Shelley can do it with all the other things she has going on, I can do it." And I do. Then, I feel happier and closer to my own personal goals.

Thank you, Shelley, for sharing all that you do and for being a great leader on this journey to a better blog!

Stupid Kid: Father Threatens Lawsuit Over Kid's Dumbass Facebook Postings

Being in the midst of confronting my own discipline challenges with my son, I was struck dumb by a story I read in yesterday's Atlanta Journal-Constitution

The story is about three middle school students who posted disparaging – and possibly career ending – statements about a teacher at their school on their Facebook pages. The statements ranged from saying the teacher was a pedophile and rapist to stating that the teacher was bipolar.

The school, rightly in my opinion, suspended the students because their statements were not grounded in any sort of truth and were disruptive to the learning environment at the school.

Of course, one of the kids' fathers is furious and says the school had no right to suspend the kids, calling it a violation of their privacy. They're considering a lawsuit says the father.

Ridiculous. Right?

Maybe not. Apparently, there is a precedent for allowing mouthy high school students who have no respect for anyone other than their selves to get away with slandering teachers or whoever else they want to via Facebook. Granted, what Katherine Evans said about her English teacher is not quite as bad as what these Georgia boys have done, it's still utterly disrespectful and instead of allowing her to move forward with a lawsuit her parents might have served both their daughter and society better by teaching her to mind her manners and show a little respect for the rest of the world.

Anyone who claims that getting in trouble for something you write on Facebook is a violation of your privacy is a fool. If you put it out there on a public profile you have no right to privacy. If you had a private account and the school hacked your account and read your postings, that's something else entirely. But that's not what happened in either of these cases.

I expect and try to teach my sons to care about others, to show them respect, and not say bad things about them. To that end, I try not to speak badly of people in front of my kids. If I found out either of them created a Facebook page (or whatever the cool means of communication is when their teenagers) that said ugly things about a teacher, a fellow student, or their archnemesis, I would put a stop to it immediately and they would have to go apologize in person to the person they hurt. Then, they would have their Facebook privileges taken away. Children, as I learn more and more every day, need structure and parental guidance – not parents who always tell them they're right even at the cost of someone else's dignity.

What say you?


Do kids (or adults) have a right to trash anyone they want to in a public medium with no consequences for their actions?


If your kid did something like this and got suspended would you sue or would you punish your child?